Muke's growing journey

I’m afraid my weight’s down a bit — was feelin’ ill last week and not up to eating much. Always gotta be somethin’, right?

Trying to think about what I want to post here. A bit starved for ideas… I went around and looked through some old posts from various blogs I’d saved up once for a similar purpose and broke down what was pretty common — the results were mostly not very encouraging:

1. “I’ve been getting a lot bigger lately…” Talk about how your face is changing, how your clothes are tight and how you’ve been needing to buy new ones.
2. “I haven’t been able to gain lately because…” Cite family, work, unemployment, and general lack of motivation.
3. “I’m not sure if I want to gain…” Submission to various types of fear or oppression.
4. “I’ve been having to deal with…” Coping with various unwanted effects of gaining.
5. “I’m still alive. Sorry about not posting.”

Most of these aren’t exactly the kind of idea you want to see more of! The exception is the first, and one doesn’t always have growth to report. So what’s a better idea? Well, it’s that time of year again… time for the holiday tub of popcorn. Let’s go!

All right guys, here is the plan I have put together for the week:

• Breakfast: bagel, with cream cheese (~300 cal)
• Lunch: hamburger helper (~625 cal)
• Work snack: corn chex (~100 cal)
• Home snack: marinated black olives (~250 cal)
• Dinner: asparagus soup, garlic bread (~875 cal)
• Drink: water, ginger ale, milkshake (~1100 cal)

Or somewhere over 3,000 calories total per day. In theory this should be easy: a third of the calories are liquid and the meals themselves are not very large. But we’ll see how it works out in practice.

Based on the rate I’ve been gaining, I’ve set as a goal to be at 220 lbs by the end of the year. With all the year-end holidays it’ll be difficult, but we’ll see how we manage.

It’s getting worse. That’s last week’s average; today the scale actually hit 190. I’m kind of at a loss. I need help; I don’t know how to motivate myself anymore.

Dejected.

Hey, all.

I know I didn’t post last week. Lately I’ve been pretty unhappy about my weight because it’s kept slipping, ever since I got this job.

It’s hard being so unsuccessful at something, especially when you’re trying to be public about it, like I am here.

Being bigger is something I need badly enough that, as I’ve mentioned before, I have no intention of giving up on, no matter how bad at it I am.

But it’s getting harder and harder to work at this, when more and more it feels like I’m losing willpower in life—not just in this area of my life, but in general. And being miserable about my body image isn’t helping.

What am I doing here in front of you all, with nothing to show?

Maybe some of you all share my trouble?

Really lousy week on the gaining front — I don’t think I even managed a single proper dinner. My appetite’s been ridiculously dead, and my willpower isn’t much better.

Here’s hoping this week will be a better week.

Still could do with help!

Bit of a slump this week—started a new job, and it took me a bit to get into the habit of eating there.

Added a sidebar for gaining communities on the right, starting with BeefyFrat, Grommr, and BellyBuilders.   I’m on all those places, but I find overall I don’t really connect with gainer communities myself.

For one, they have a tendency to—or rather, they’re sort of designed to—superconcentrate the gaining experience.  A hundred gainers  posting, more or less one after another, various food– and stuffing-related thoughts to the front page of Grommr is a bit overwhelming and a bit alienating.

That, and how a specialized social network doesn’t tend to help the problem I’ve mentioned before, about people being—or at least seeming to be—all about just one thing in particular; there’s no easy way to see who’s got more to them than just gaining.  Better to start somewhere generalized, like Twitter, and then let all your niches be found.  (It’s how most of you got here, after all.)

Beyond that, the serious impact on my mood from seeing there’s nobody nearby, combined with that of seeing others sharing bigger successes, tends to keep me off those sites in general.  I like my self-esteem where it is.

But I’ll still link ‘em, for them that appreciate ‘em better.

This is the point where I make up for a bad gaining week with lots and lots of pictures!  Buddy of mine wanted a few side shots and some belly measurements, so there’s a few of those in there… seated, it’s a bit over 45″.

It’d be nice if my body made gaining easier. 

Lately, the whole bottom half of my stomach has just felt empty… small… overall, it just feels awful.  And yet I still don’t have any decent desire to eat. 

It’s not good for me to continue to be alone in this.