204, bis.
I’ve been going through this slump for the past week or so, where I just haven’t felt like eating.
I don’t really know how to push past this, but I wish I could. Those of you who’ve been watching me a while know I put on about fifteen pounds last year from the time I started posting on this blog, but since then haven’t made any substantial progress.
I’ve discovered I have pretty strong mental blocks in place. I tried a session with a hypnotist a couple of weeks ago. The trance state worked, but the suggestions didn’t: I look over the transcript and in response to instructions to increase desire to gain I have answers like I don’t know how to want it… I try not to want, just work… and But I want to get rid of [it]… distracting, selfish and Hungry doesn’t make me want to eat (you all already know that last one).
And I guess that’s basically my difficulty. I will be big. But it’s not something I “want” to do—it’s something I plan to do, something I intend to do, something I’m trying to do, but it’s not something I have the urges to do I had when I was younger. In a way, I don’t have a problem with this: desire leads to suffering, as they say, and I’m a lot happier not being miserable about my body like I used to be. But not having that urge behind my generally weak willpower isn’t conducive to pushing me to gain.
I suppose this is what an encourager would be for, but I still have yet to meet an encourager who has any idea what he’s doing.
And I guess that’s basically my difficulty. I will be big. But it’s not something I “want” to do—it’s something I plan to do, something I intend to do, something I’m trying to do, but it’s not something I have the urges to do I had when I was younger.
An interesting way to phrase it (also a particularly sexy expression of forceful willpower, ironically). I also don’t have urges; it’s something I do mostly because I do have an interest in big men and so does my mate. So while I’ve come to appreciate the look and how it feels, ultimately I’m doing this to look more physically attractive to people whose opinions on that I care about.
In a way, I don’t have a problem with this: desire leads to suffering, as they say, and I’m a lot happier not being miserable about my body like I used to be.
Being satisfied with the current state of affairs is certainly good. At the same time I’ve never agreed that suffering follows from desire; to me that’s a particularly Christian thing, something that originates, in my opinion, from the particular (and unfortunately largely dominant) psychopathologies of Paul. That can certainly be the case, but at the same time there’s no reason that a psychologically balanced person has to be controlled by their desires. You can have both.
I’ve never agreed that suffering follows from desire; to me that’s a particularly Christian thing, something that originates, in my opinion, from the particular (and unfortunately largely dominant) psychopathologies of Paul.
Well, Paul did have the occasional unusual opinion. But the Stoics and the Buddhists said the same thing well before the Christians. It’s not really so much that the desire in itself is a bad thing—it isn’t, of course—but that people hold on to desires for things they can’t have, and that attachment to wanting things the way they’re not, particularly when you can’t do anything about it, is what hurts people.